Saturday 11 February 2012

Start with "hi".

I previously refered to this article from the Globe and Mail about a study that found that most kids with intellectual disabilities have NO friends whatsoever.  That's right, not one friend.  It is appalling but sadly not surprising if you've spent any time around the intellectual disability community.

It can be really hard for someone with an intellectual disability to make friends, especially if he or she doesn't communicate with words, or has difficulty communicating with words.  Ironically, it is precisely people with intellectual disabilities who really, really belong in friendships: not only do people with intellectual disabilities tend to rely on others to get through life more than a typical person, but time after time you will hear, or learn for yourself, that a lot of persons who have an intellectual disability are incredible friends.  Judith Snow wrote about the giftedness of a man named Peter who fostered a strong sense of community for so many people in his west end Toronto neighbourhood.  In an age where we seem to worship individuality and independence, people like Peter remind us time and again that the beauty of humanity is our interdependence, our ability to love one another, to trust and be trusted. 

Philosopher and humanitarian Jean Vanier observed this gift and has dedicated his life to L'Arche, now a worldwide community celebrating the lives of our brothers and sisters living with an intellectual disability.  A local L'Arche community is made up of core community members (adults who have an intellectual disability) and assistants. The core community members and assistants live communally in one or more homes in an area and often enjoy the informal involvement of many other neighbours.  I really encourage you to take a look at the L'Arche website, and if you want to learn more, I would refer you to Jean Vanier's beautiful book "Becoming Human".

Now for most of us, especially those of us who already have our own families to raise, moving into a L'Arche community is probably not an option,  however, there are still so many ways to become involved in the life of a person who has an intellectual disability.  In Canada, Community Living associations exist provincially and within each city.  They exist to provide support services to individuals with intellectual disabilities.  You can contact your local Community Living agency and volunteer to be paired with an adult in your area.  As a volunteer you commit to building a friendship with your assigned partner based on  your mutual interests. You can find a list of all of the local Community Living associations within Ontario here.

If you are out and about much in your neighbourhood you probably have seen at least one person from time to time who you recognize as probably having an intellectual disability. I really encourage you to just say "hi" the next time that your paths cross.  Start a conversation the time after that.  Be a friendly face instead of just another stranger.  I love this initiative by Community Living British Columbia: startwithhi.ca  . 

If your child has a classmate who has an intellectual disability, why not invite the child and her parents over for a playdate?  Especially if the kids aren't friends yet!  You can be a great role model for your own child in this regard. 

Your child, or you for that matter, might feel nervous around your potential new friend: encourage your child to express their concerns with respect for the other person's dignity.  For example, my kids were a bit uncomfortable around a boy we know because he can not control his salivating.  We talked about the muscles in our faces and how we usually control our saliva and why this was difficult for our friend.  His mom and I assured the kids that someone can wipe his chin whenever he starts to salivate too much, and that my kids can just wash their hands if they get some saliva on them.  As trivial as this sounds, it was a big deal to two of my kids and once we talked about it their comfort and enjoyment of their new friend increased greatly.   Again, I think it's really important for our kids to address their discomfort with differences (not to be made to feel ashamed for mentioning it) and to deal with it matter of factly and always with respect and dignity.  Shame or a fear of asking questions will only lead to avoidance! 

Hopefully, there is at least one person who comes to mind as you read this post.  I trust that we are all meant to be living the lives that we live, in the time and place that we are in.  This person you are thinking of is meant to be who he or she is too.

You are both fearfully and wonderfully made by our Heavenly Father.

 I believe that God has placed this person in your heart for a purpose.  God has given you both the wonderful opportunity to befriend each other.  Who knows you might just be lucky enough to make a friend for life.

God bless you!

love,
Jen

Saturday 4 February 2012

The Unplugged Family: The REAL World.

After my last post I read this beautiful piece by my beautiful friend, Cassandra. Looks like we were both thinking about the meaning of life lately. Enjoy!

The Unplugged Family: The REAL World.

Meant To Be

My kids love "Veggie Tales". (They love all kinds of smash-em-up violent comic book hero movies too...but even more than that they love, love, love "Veggie Tales") For the uninitiated, "Veggie Tales" are basically animated stories about character traits and faith told by vegetable characters. This week we watched "It's a meaningful life" which is based on the Christmas classic "It's a wonderful life".  It addresses the feeling of being unimportant or insignificant, the longing to "be somebody", to have your name up in lights. It takes the main character, played by Larry Cucumber on a what-if journey in which he realizes that even in this humble life of his he is very important, in fact crucially important. He has a purpose. He is meant to be.


As part of the DVD extras there are a music video and a little behind-the-scenes story about the music video. The featured song is "Meant to Be" by Steven Curtis Chapman.  The lyrics are such beautiful truth and I hope you take the time to read them all and reflect on them. Here is the first verse:


Long before you drew your first breath
A dream was coming true
God wanted to give a gift to the world
So he wrapped it up in you
Every step that you’ve taken
Every move that you make
Is part of his plan


Before I really became a Christian, by that I mean, before it hit me like a tonne of bricks that God was who he said he was and that Jesus was indeed the saviour of the world, my very own saviour, before I decided that I needed to trust and follow Jesus come what may, to cling to him in faith before all of that I was so very lost. I was weary and burdened, grasping for answers of meaning, of purpose. I was desperate to know what I had to do to be validated, to have worth. I mean, I knew about Jesus, I grew up in a very Christian environment: Catholic school and Church on Sundays. I hung out with churchy people and went to bible studies and the whole bit. I should have known HIM, but I didn't. I knew about him, but I didn't know him. He could have been a myth, he could have been just a really fantastic great story.  I couldn't build my life on that. Great storty, but what self-respecting, educated person could really believe that stuff was TRUE?


I wanted to be good, and to do something good with my life, I wanted to be righteous! So I looked for anything that seemed to me to be worthwhile to invest in. I was in fact doing many good things, but for the wrong reasons. I would do things out of guilt or obligation or to please others or to look like a smart, successful self-respecting, good person on the outside. But inside, I was filled with anxiety and loathing. What if I wasn't doing enough? What if the right people didn't notice? What if they noticed but didn't care, or worse, didn't approve? Who were the right people anyway? What if I wasn't doing what REALLY mattered?  How would I even know what that was? What if I totally screwed up my kids for life? I had to try more things, read more things, do more things.  I am very ashamed to write this now but I secretly looked down at all the people who got in my way, who were so different from me, who didn't buy into my philosophy or cause of the month, who stood like light in stark contrast to the darkness of my life. I dehumanized them and for this I am deeply sorry.  If you are reading this and have known me for more than a few years, then I may have dehumanized you too. I probably have. Please know that I am sorry.


It is difficult for me to write about what a nasty arrogant know-it-all jerk I was all my life and then tell you that now I am following Jesus and now I know that this time I am on the right path and oh, how I've changed! and now you should listen to me and trust Jesus too. I realize how offensive that sounds coming from a nasty arrogant know-it-all jerk.  But all I can say in all humility and truth is, I'm not a nasty arrogant know-it-all jerk anymore. That person is (thankfully) dead. And maybe the memory of her still lingers and brings back past hurts and resentments. But (and I really can't tell you how humble and contrite and awkward and thankful I feel right now) I have been born again in Christ and now I live. I am a new creation and I thank God (not nearly enough) that he would take an undeserving wretch like me and make me new. Because He Loves Me.  Because He meant for me to be. Because He has a plan for me.  And because I know who I once was and how awesome I thought I was when really I was so not, I can only guarantee you that salvation is a gift and is NOT something that can be earned. 


Maybe you love Jesus too and are so happy to be living your life in his light. Amen! Leave me a comment to encourage others.


Or...


Maybe you are reading this right now and are thinking that you are feeling weary too. Maybe you feel frustrated because you've been living a religious life all your life, and have been trying so very hard to please God, but something is missing, maybe you know about Jesus but yet don't know him.   Maybe you didn't grow up with any faith, or lost it long ago. Maybe you so desperately are looking for answers and want to know if this is legit.  Jesus said "Come to me if you are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matthew 11:28-29)  Want to talk about it?

Or...

Maybe you can testify as to what a jerk I really was and that you have in fact seen a change in me! Leave a comment, but please, let's try to be kind - ulp!

Or..

Maybe you can't get over how much I have hurt you and am still hurting you through your memories. If so, please, confront me. Let me take you out for coffee and apologize to you face to face. Please let us start to rebuild our relationship.


***
A few final thoughts on being meant to be (you'll need a bible, you can try http://bible.cc/ since you're online anyway- and you'll see it simultaneously in several translations with slightly different nuances):


Psalm 139 (especially verse 15 and 16)
Acts 17:25-27
Ephesians 1:4
James 1:18


And from "The Purpose Driven Life" (of which you can download the first 7 chapters for free):  

"But being successful and fulfilling your life’s purpose are not at all the same issue!
You could reach all your personal goals, becoming a raving success by the world’s standard, and still miss the purposes for which God created you. You need more than self-help advice. Jesus Christ once said, “Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to
finding yourself, your true self.”Matthew 16:25 (Msg)"


****
This post was supposed to be about a Globe and Mail article that I read this morning claiming that 53% of  kids with intellectual disabilities have no friends.  I will hold that thought for next time.  Let me just ask you, how can you see that others are meant to be part of God's plan if you don't realize that you too were meant to be?

love and blessings,

Jen